The Best Dog in the Whole Wide World

My good girl died two days ago. I felt the sting the day I heard she had cancer. I felt it the day I let her go.  But I've also been functioning fairly well 'cause she was "just a dog."

My "just a dog" warmed our home the day we picked her up. She enriched the lives of our children and pretty much anybody who met her. She was calm and fun and patient and happy and loving and gentle. And she was beautiful. 

She tolerated dogs, but she LOVED people. She was a people dog. And a people pleaser -- until she got to be about 12 or 13 and occasionally only wanted to do what she wanted to do.  😉

She loved Harvey so much...and he loved her. He introduced her to swimming (which she loved) and he took her on pretty much all of the trails of Galbraith after he was diagnosed in 2011. She would sit outside with him when he did yard work or sit nearby when he was doing wood work in the garage. They were buds.

She'd run outside with great enthusiasm when the girls (in their middle school days) would start running towards the door and say "to the woods!"  She'd hang outside with them when they did and was happy just BEING with them. 

When Harvey went to hospice, we found out that we could take her there with us. She heard Harvey stirring in the night and stood up to check on him. And the last words Harvey said were "Lie down, Raney"... and she did. 

She had a few medical things during her 14 years and she was so good about whatever treatment was required. It started with allergy shots and neither she nor I enjoyed the shots, but she was a good girl. She hated having her ears cleaned after swimming or if she needed medications, but she handled that with grace -- if such a thing can be. She tolerated surgeries well and the healing time required afterwards.

When Clemmie joined the family, Raney was patient until she had to make a thing or two very clear. Clemmie knew Raney was the boss, but she also took advantage of her patience and good nature. Raney almost always let Clemmie "steal" her toy or her stick or the attention. One of Clemmie's favorite things was to ambush Raney when we'd be on walks in the woods. She'd run ahead and find a good spot on a hill and then run down and "attack" Raney. Raney got to where she could see what was happening and she'd try to find a spot behind a tree so Clemmie couldn't knock her down. She didn't fuss at her, though. She'd just try to avoid her. 

During her last couple of months, she seemed like she had a burst of energy. She was so happy to be in the woods and she would gallop to catch  up after she had stopped to eat lots of wood from decaying trees. 😊  She was able to walk further than she had been doing and with more energy.

I do remember wondering - while witnessing her verve for life - if this was the calm before the storm. But I just didn't expect to be told that she had cancer. I guess no one does. I was so happy and pleased that she made it to 14 and seemed healthy, that the cancer just kinda snuck up.

She was diagnosed on Sunday and she was gone by mid-day on Tuesday. She was ready. 

I have been sad. I have cried. I haven't anticipated the physiological effects of grief, though. I mean she's "just a dog."  But the fact of the matter is that all of me is grieving. I'm functioning. I'm living life...but I am grief-exhausted. 

Many of you have heard me say this, but when Harvey and I got Raney, we told each other that we were gonna need six months bereavement leave 'cause she was so good.

My "just a dog" is one of the very best gifts I've ever been given.

She leaves a giant hole in the world.

Feeling

I'm not really sure when it started. My recollection is that I used to be able to really feel my feelings. My best guess is that I started to cut myself off after my parents died and Laura got cancer. 

That was a lot for one year. 

And that was followed by more sickness and death over the next seven years...

Allllll while trying to continue regular family life and help my children move through their regular school years and be a caregiver to my sick husband and stay positive and hopeful in the midst of some pretty shitty stuff. 

At some point, I unconsciously had to choose between taking the time to be sad or angry or scared and taking the time to manage my family's regular and not-so-regular routine. I unconsciously made the decision to put feelings aside. That's not to say there weren't times when I let myself get sad; I did. But not many times. And if I did get sad, it had to be fast. I had things to take care of.

One of those things was to keep a blog (one for Harvey and one for Laura) so that friends and family could stay updated about all things cancer in the lives of those I loved (still do!). Even in the keeping of the blog, it was business. And I made an effort to end most posts on a positive note. Couldn't just plain be sad. 

Even during the very last days of Harvey's life, I spent precious time writing blog posts or Facebook posts and now that I think about it, those were also ways for me not to feel. If I wrote it down in a reporting kind of way, then it was "business." 

Precious time. Precious time when I could have just BEEN with my family. 

I sometimes flash back to those moments with a twang of guilt...while also trying to forgive myself for mistakes. I had never had a REAL front row seat to the prolonged process of watching someone die.  I was learning how. And if I had it to do over again (and I really don't want to), I would do it differently in many ways. 

I'm currently seeing a counselor who is helping me learn not to resist FEELING things. We're just in the early stages and it's going to be a process, I'm sure, but I'm becoming aware of the many situations where I've tried and am trying not to feel.

The other day we were discussing my aging dog and how I wanted to skip all the hard stuff of her being sick. Somehow we got around to talking about me resisting her death (She's not currently dying but she's an old lady.).  I argued that I wasn't. But then the counselor said "You're not resisting losing her; you're resisting FEELING the loss." And that caused me to FEEL. A lot. She got me! 

Tears are streaming down my face as I write this. I can't even tell you all the reasons why, but I am definitely feeling something tonight. 

How does a person balance FEELING and not being a drag to everybody around her? How can we be honest when people ask how we are and not overwhelm them with all that swirls in our deeply FEELING hearts? 

I've got some work to do. 

You Live On

Almost six years... 

Forever and just yesterday.

I feel like I've done pretty well. 

I miss you so much. 

And I have learned how to live without you.

I feel like I've gotten past the intense grieving of the early days... 

...but it occurred to me that when I miss you most lately is when our girls show signs of you with their accomplishments.

They have all chosen paths that have you in the midst... project manager, computer lady with artistic computery gifts and excellent Canadian student with the gift of writing. All dreaming big dreams and goin' for 'em. 

That doesn't sum them up. They are much more.

But you are definitely in them. 

Project Manager

Canadian Student Born Abroad

Artistic Computer Savvy Professional

Girls who love to laugh! ❤️

What kinda kills me is that I can't sit around after dinner talking with you about how proud we are of them all.  I know you know. I know you see them. I just wish we could marvel together. 

So thankful for the life you lived. 

That you chose me. 

That we shared these good girls. 

That you live on in them. 

You are the gift that keeps on giving. 

Love you, Harv.

Trapped

I was a daughter.
I was a wife.
I was (am) a mother.
I was a caregiver.
I am a widow.

I am a person floating somewhere between what was and what is yet to be.

I feel like my life is full and empty at the same time.

Who am I?

If you were here, what would we be doing?

If you were here, would we have chosen this house together?

Would we both be watching the news?

Would you love Clemmie and her crazy self?

Would you climb on the ladder to check the gutters?

Would you be wearing multiple layers 'cause it's cold in this house?

Would you chat with the neighbors and befriend the new babies?

Would you and the neighbor share hedge trimming duties?

Would we sit on this sofa and marvel at how great our children have turned out?

Would you help with house projects for our children?

Would we discuss how grateful we are for the good things and how sad we are for the hard things in our extended family's lives?

Would we travel to see our children and explore their cities?

Would you follow me around the house like you always planned to do when you retired?

Would you go on fun adventures with me? What would those be?

Goodness.

Life sure is sumpthin' itn't it?

Miss you.

Growth

I cried when you were born because I didn't know how to take care of a baby -- much less, two babies.

I cried when you went to preschool because it seemed like such a big step.

I cried when you first rode the bus to school.  All of the possibilities and fears and what-ifs.

I cried when you asserted yourself and wanted to do what you wanted to do.

(And yet, I rejoiced all the days when you'd run to greet me at the playground fence when I drove by in the middle of the day.)

I cried when you first walked through the doors of middle school. Way bigger. Way scarier than elementary school.

(And yet, I rejoiced because you kept hugging me goodbye and kept saying "I love you." as I dropped you off for the day.)

I cried when I couldn't fix things that weren't going like you wanted them to go.

I cried when you went to high school and I got a glimpse of even more independence.

(And yet. You were still warm and welcoming when you'd see me at school or at cross country meets.)

I cried when you went to college -- for a number of reasons -- but one more step of independence... More out of sight. More on your own. More decisions to be made without my input.

I cried when you traveled abroad. I cried when you came home. I cried when you moved to a new city. I cried when you started making plans for study far, far away.

Alllll of the times a mother has to let go never, ever prepare her for the next time she has to do it.

A mother doesn't know how to mother until she's given the gift of children.

And then a mother doesn't know how NOT to mother.

She practices and practices how to loosen her grip, but the lesson of mothering goes way below the surface.

How does a mother learn to let go? How does she release some of the illusion of control? How does she keep her little babies close and let them grow up at the same time? How does she encourage independence and joy and exploration and discovery and love and growth while still having the urge to hold her babies close and never let them leave the nest?

How does she rediscover herself as her self? What is she now that she's no longer a full-time wife and mother? What are her hopes and dreams? What are her wishes for her very own self? Where does she begin the next phase of her life? What can she do that is fulfilling and beneficial (not just for herself) that no longer has a real emphasis on mothering?

Every grief has layers.

And yet -- while there is grief in letting go, there is also hope...

Hope.

It's a very good word.

Happy Sad

So, I've been thinking about downsizing for quite a while...even before Harv died. I've thought for a while that it'd be a good idea to downsize before I had to or even really wanted to... And at least a year ago -- or maybe more than that, I started the search.

My dream was to find a home that had a great view of the bay and was one story and had a small yard. There were quite a few homes with great views, but the combo of small, one-story and small yard didn't always come with that. And I didn't want an increase in the price of my home. Ideally, I'd spend less.  But the housing here in this part of the world is crazy. And, while my home has increased in value over the years, so have many others that are even smaller.

I looked on Redfin. I looked as I drove around town. My realtor searched. We went to a few homes. There were a couple that were kinda tempting but still didn't feel exactly right.  

And then one day, this house showed up on Redfin. My realtor sent me a text about it, too. It's older, but has been nicely renovated and really felt right as soon as I went inside. It doesn't have a view of the bay, but it's in a neighborhood that feels pretty cozy. 

Long story short, it all worked out and the house became mine today.

As I drove to sign the papers this morning, I cried. It just seemed so huge. You'd think they would've been tears because of leaving this house where we've lived and loved and shared lots of things for 18 years. I'm sure it was some of that, but it really just felt so HUGE to be buying my very own place.

Almost wrong and not wrong at the same time to be moving on with my life.

When I arrived at my new house with the dogs this afternoon, I took them for a walk in the nearby park...and I sobbed. I can't really explain it. I know there's lots of emotion in this whole picture, but I can't identify exactly what the tears are for...

But what I think is that it's happiness, excitement, fear, sadness, grief, joy, anticipation, and probably a million more emotions that I can't identify.

So thankful for the life I shared with Harv. So thankful for the life I have. So thankful for all that is to come...  

Forgiveness

This morning I received a message from a friend who wanted to let me know about something I had done that had hurt her. She was doing it for herself so she could clear the air and move on.

I definitely recalled the incident and understood completely how I might have hurt her family's feelings. Pretty long story, but I really didn't mean to... I was just being Carrie and jokingly said something without thinking of where she and her family were in their circumstances and how my words may have come across.

I apologized for hurting them and offered to drive over to her to hug her neck and try to make sure things are right. It wasn't possible this morning, but she assured me that she appreciated my apology and wants to visit some day in the (hopefully) near future. She also encouraged me to let it go and not to dwell on it because that's what she's doing.

Here's the dilemma...

How do I forgive myself? How do I let go when I've hurt someone's feelings? I've actually prayed all day long to be able to let it go... I've tried hard to think about how to give myself some grace and to forgive myself for screwing up...

And I'm having the hardest time.

Why is that?

How do you move on when you've made mistakes and hurt someone? How do you forgive yourself? What words do you tell yourself that help with the letting go?

One of the hardest theological concepts for me to grasp is GRACE.  I just don't GET it...

Share your wisdom.

Thanks... 

💕

(PS -- I don't want to get into the details of who I hurt or what the circumstances are (either in this conversation or privately)... For those of you who often want details from my vague stories, please just let it be vague this time. 😊)

Widow Lessons

Life is full of fast moments.

Life is full of slow moments.

And sometimes fast and slow are all wrapped up in the same package.

Life is full of good things.

Life is full of hard things.

And sometimes they're all wrapped up together.

When I was younger, I could not wait to get married. I was older than I had hoped I'd be when I got married, but Harv was worth the wait... The road I traveled to get to marriage had a few bumps in it...but that road prepared me to be Harv's wife.

I had no clue how to be a wife, but I learned as I went. I know that I definitely made mistakes...but I also know that I did some things right. And I believe Harv and I were a good match.

I also had no clue how to be a mother. I struggled for a while trying to be a good step-mother. I have goofed sometimes, but I also think I did some things right... and I think being a step-mother first gave me a little bit of prep in becoming a biological mother.

Discovering I was pregnant was a thrill. Discovering I was carrying twins was a shock. I read books to prepare for motherhood and being a mother of twins. But reading doesn't fully prepare a person for any task. Hands-on experience is where a person really discovers what a job is all about. I have failed a few times, but sometimes I've done things just like they should be done...and I think God knew what he was doing when he selected Sarah and Hannah for me. 

When family life was "young," I had no idea (or preparation) for all that was to come. I took each new FIRST as it came. Sometimes it was easier than others. I learned as I went for much of it. I dreamed of being good at everything, but soon learned that I just plain wasn't. I learned, over time, how to trust my children to be themselves and to know what they did and didn't want to do or be. I failed sometimes. But not always.

When I got married, I said the vows "for better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health..." But in my mind, it was always gonna be better, richer and healthy...

Until it wasn't.

When Harv got sick, I had to learn how to be an on-site caregiver. I had to figure out how to do that while also being the best wife and mother that I could be....and while encouraging all of our children to do and be the best that they could as well. I wanted all of our lives to be as normal as possible...in a situation that was not actually our normal.  

That period was also a learn-as-you-go moment in time.  Sometimes I failed. Sometimes I did things pretty well. And over time, I believe that time "prepared" me for releasing Harv and giving him the freedom to die...

Since that time, I've tried to learn how to be a widow. And there are more lessons in this textbook than I actually want to learn. Life is easier when you have a partner. Marriage can certainly be hard sometimes, but there is a definite benefit to having a significant other to confide in, to vent to, to cry with, to eat dinner with, to make decisions with, to sit in the same room and just BE together.

Currently, I feel like I'm in the midst of a few giant things - personally, professionally and spiritually... perhaps not actually that big in the scheme of things, but all coming at the same time. How I long for a good conversation with Harv so he can give me his ideas and suggestions...and I can either reject or accept his wisdom.

This is the time when what I really want to do (again) is kick and yell "I WANNA DO WHAT I WANNA DO!" -- which is to NOT have to deal with hard things.

Every single one of my current "issues" boils down to a first world problem... So, it seems silly of me to complain about it. But it's also currently my life...which affects me every day.

I would have definitely written the story of my life differently... but I also might've made some mistakes if I were the author. And the truth is that, in the midst of the hard, there has been plenty of wonderful... There is STILL lots of wonderful.... 

...and there's a piece of wonderful that's missing.

Thankful for all the good. Thankful for the hard. 

Praying for peace and wisdom and hope and joy.

Am I the only one?

 

I've been lookin' around and I'm not so sure how you other mamas are doin' it.... 

All of you people who have children about the same age as my girls look so relaxed and totally comfortable with how your children are growing up. You seem to be coasting quite nicely as they explore the world and travel to far away places. I don't sense any nostalgia in your voices when you describe their upcoming adventures.  It seems as if you've navigated these waters before and that you've moved easily from the "mothering" to the "peer" stage.

Me?

I'm trying. Seriously. I really am. I see them do "grown up" things and I'm proud of and happy for their accomplishments. I'm amazed at how they've been able to seamlessly move from teenager to young adult and plain ol' adult with very little difficulty. I see them act with maturity and good common sense and intelligence in multiple and varied situations.

I am currently watching them become very independent -- which is what we've been working on for 20 years. Afterall, that's what parents are supposed to do...teach their children NOT to need them.

But, here I am... excited for their new independence and adventures while secretly (but not very) wishing they needed me a little bit... Watching them expand their social and professional lives in new directions and being very happy for them -- and longing for the olden days when we'd all just sit around and BE together -- not having to go to work, not having to meet somebody for a social engagement, not traveling without me to bold and daring places.

I am well aware that I became independent from my parents. I traveled a little bit. I got a job and moved away from home. I spent time socializing with people and, in many ways, friends became the priority.  And then when I got married and moved across the country, it became harder to make family time happen. But I was not the mother. So... everything was fine.

Now, however, I'm lookin' around at my friends whose children are growing and moving in similar ways to my girls... and I'm just wondering... am I the only one who is struggling with the letting go thing?

When does a mama get comfortable with all the grown-up-ness and the not-needing-to-be-with-me-as-much?  What are your tricks for feeling balanced in the midst of so much change?

Do I ever get to the plain "happy" and not selfish stage?

I'm guessing that it all becomes more normal... Sure am hopin' so. 😊

Life

Reminder: The subtitle of this blog is called "Random Thoughts About Life."

Porch Story: Been stuck in my head for a LONG, LONG time. Can't figure out how to make it happen. Can't let go of the idea that there needs to be a story. As I've said before, things simmer... But recently I read a piece of advice that I've heard for a long time and was reminded that I need to get something down and keep putting things on paper until something happens. So.. this very paragraph is my porch story starting spot for 2017. 

Yard work: Harv was the yard man. I'm the house lady. There have been some situations pop up that required a yard man that I don't have. I've hired out for some things, but for a couple of things, I just put on my Yard Man Hat and got to work. Those two things involved a chain saw (electric but still kinda scary) and a pressure washer (that was kinda fun!).  When I do things outside of my comfort zone, it's very empowering... And so for a couple of days, I was Wonder Woman! I might just pull out the hedge trimmer before long!

Weirdness: Yesterday it was determined that the pressure washer that we owned was broken beyond repair... or beyond Mr. Mower Repairman's ability. Then a personal situation came up that left me feeling a little bit strange inside... Just a friendship navigation thing, but it caused me to have that funny feeling in my heart and stomach and all. I didn't like it. In my mind, I can be a good friend to lots of people, but in reality sometimes it's harder, but I said a prayer and tried to focus on the good stuff. I went for a walk and took a nap later and I think I've allowed it to settle down in my heart. 

Creativity: I've been feeling not only the need to write, but the need to create something...something artistic....something that pushes me a little bit. Yesterday I did it. I want to show the world 'cause I think it's pretty good (if I do say so myself!), but it's gonna be a gift. I'll show you later.  Felt good to create. And it helped cancel out some of those weirdo feelings I was having.

Life:  Life, right now, reminds me of the time I rafted the Nantahala River in college. We all got to the river and the guide taught us what all we were supposed to do. He showed us that if we fell out, to get on our backs. I'm pretty sure he said to go feet downstream first, but that didn't register. He said "hold onto your paddle" 'cause we don't want to lose them... And he said that if someone fell out that another boat could/should try to help the one who fell out.   We traveled down the river and enjoyed the ride. We came to a spot where we were to get out and scout the river to determine the best way to get through the rapids. Our boat pulled over, we tied up the boat, we all got out and went with the guide to the lookout spot. People discussed this and that. I was just there 'cause everybody got out of the boat. "Isn't the river beautiful?!", I thought.  We got back in the boat. We started trying to maneuver things so we could get through without crashing. Oops! I forgot to tuck my feet under the side of the boat. Oops! We hit a rapid! Oops! I fell out! I held my paddle tightly. I got on my back... but my head was going downstream. (oops!) Fortunately, there was another boat nearby... I feel like the water wasn't very deep... But it was fast... 

That's how I feel about life. I'm just ridin' along and somebody says "hey! Your children are gonna grow up... You're gonna wish they wouldn't leave home... You're gonna also want them to grow up and explore and spread their wings... but you're gonna want them to be with you and hang with you.." And I've pretty much said "Yeah. I know. Isn't life beautiful?!"  And then the "rapid" (reality) hits...and I fall out...and hope that I don't bang my head on the rocks.

The "river" is very fast. That's for sure. 

But I also know that there are plenty of boats surrounding me if I need to hold on.

Many thanks to all the boat people out there! You know who you are.

Hey Hon

Hey hon,

How's it goin' up there? How're Mama and Papa and Laura and Aunt Alberta and Auntie Rosemary and G'ma Harvey? Have you met Aunt Beanie and Maazie and Grandmother and Granddaddy Whitely and Granddaddy Hall? And BooBoo and Aunt Gertrude and Aunt Ida Mae? They're fun aren't they? I bet you love how Aunt Beanie can tell a story and just laugh and laugh... I also bet you and Laura are laughin' and tellin' some good stories, too.

I bet you're catchin' up with all kindsa people. Have you seen Kirk? And Zachary? What about Kyle? And tell Dottie we miss her at 1st Pres. Rosalie just got there recently. Hug her neck and tell her I said "hey!" Yesterday I was with a buncha people who celebrated her life....And look for my friend's father, Tom. He just got up there a few days ago. He is a good guy! I think you'll like him a lot, too.

Hey! Hate to bother you with earthly things...but can you give me a little direction on some housey things and some business things? The prō-jects (as you would say) that need doin' are slightly out of my comfort zone so I'm thinkin' it'd be helpful if you could send some guidance my way. 

And, if you don't mind puttin' in a good word for me, I'd appreciate some help from The Big Guy, too. There are things I just don't feel qualified to handle... 

Sure do miss you. Wish you were here with me... to do housey things and to sit near me and do your business stuff that I didn't understand... 

I love you, Harv. 

Life

funny how life goes...

you're young
you wanna grow up

you do

you're excited about everything
you go places
you do things
you meet people

meanwhile...

your parents are doin' their thing
trying to love you
take care of you
keep you safe
encourage you to grow up

hopin' you're doin' what you love and that you're growin' up like you should
missin' you every time you take a step in the direction of growin' up

then you do grow up

you have children of your own

you want 'em to grow up and do things and love life

they do

all of a sudden you understand just a tiny bit of what your parents must've felt...

your children are on their way to being pretty grown up
you're proud and impressed with them and want 'em to keep experiencing the good things in life

you want 'em to grow up and stay young
all at the same time

Once upon a time a little girl was born in Atlanta, GA... She grew up and kept hoping that she'd meet Mr. Right. She stumbled and bumbled and made some mistakes...

One day she went to Epcot in Orlando, FL and saw a movie all about Canada. She thought, "I wanna go to Canada someday."

She stumbled and bumbled and made some mistakes.

She taught school. She resigned from teaching school.

She moved to Washington, DC.

She moved to Montgomery, AL.

She met a boy from British Columbia, Canada.

CANADA?!

Canada!

Things miraculously worked out that she and the boy from Canada liked each other.

They liked each other a lot.

They hung out with each other.

They hung out with each other a lot.

They decided they wanted to hang out with each other forever.

They got married.

They moved to the opposite corner of the country from where she grew up to be near his little girl.

They added twin little baby girls to the family.

They laughed. They cried. They sometimes got annoyed with each other.

They loved each other.

They loved each other a lot.

They got a little bit older.

Their children got a little bit older.

They lived a lot of life.

He got sick.

She tried to take care of him.

She loved him.

She loved him a lot.

She couldn't save him.

He went to heaven.

She stayed here...

He stayed in her heart.

Treasures

Almost 20 years ago, I met lots and lots of people who stopped me as I was walking my girls in their double stroller. Usually they'd ask "Are they twins?" One time my father told somebody who stopped to peek in the stroller that "We charge 25¢ to look." Occasionally, someone would say, "I have twins. They're xx years old now." And, they would often want to talk about their twins with matching names or their fraternal twins or identical twins. 

I know I'm biased, but I can see why they wanted to look at my babies... not only were they matchy little babies; they were beautiful (if I do say so myself). 

The ones who always got to me, though, were the ones who would say "Treasure these times. They go so fast."  For the mother in the thick of trying to raise little twin baby girls, the time was not flying by... or it sure didn't seem like it. There were lots of diapers to change, bottles to feed, clothes to wash, picky eaters to figure out / handle / ignore, nap times to manage, baby brains to develop, etc. There was lots and lots of "the everyday" every day.  "The everyday" was more intense when Harv traveled for work... and that was fairly often. It was more intense when they were little bitty babies, but everything seemed MORE when I was doing it by myself.

When Harv got sick, I knew I should be treasuring the moments that we had 'cause we didn't know how many moments we'd get... But the truth is (and I think I've said it before), I didn't want to "force" the treasuring of the moments... I wanted to just live as regular a life as I could -- which would sometimes include grumpiness and not-treasuring.

I think I've said this before, too, but I kinda thought that after over a year with some drastic changes in "the everyday," that I would sort of settle into a routine and things would feel "normal." 

First of all, it's still not normal that Harv's not here... especially when I want to discuss politics, or annoyances, or our children's lives, or my insecurities, or I wanna go for a walk with him or I want HIM to take the dogs for a walk so I don't have to... It's not normal that I am celebrating various birthdays and holidays without him. 

But second of all, I haven't really figured out how to be okay with my children no longer living at home. I am very fortunate to have them close by... I see them fairly often -- which I really am thankful for... But every day they mature and make new decisions and do things on their own and make plans that don't include me... And even when I have wonderful advice to give, they often want to do things their own way... (which is as it should be -- even though I have some excellent suggestions!).

This post is not really about my children; it's about me... I'm trying to learn how to be me...all by myself... What do I want to do? Where do I want to go? How do I make giant decisions alone? How do I learn to enjoy meals with just me?  What can I do that feels like I'm contributing? When am I gonna be ready to contribute and try something brand new? I keep thinking that a year is long enough, but I'm beginning to think it's not... at least not for me... 

But what I've realized recently is that those people who told me to "treasure these moments" were right.  The moments do go pretty quickly. Little baby girls DO grow up and need me less... (which is as it should be)...

So, these days I'm praying for eyes to see and ears to hear all the good around me and to TREASURE all of it...and to be ready for whatever the next thing is...and to figure out how to be the best mama I can be at every stage of our children's lives... for them and for me.

 

True words in this song. ❤️

GoFightWin, Country!!

In a few weeks, we will have a new President of the United States. 

I'm trying to worry less in 2017 than I usually do, but his impending presidency really concerns me. I'm trying to find the balance between being informed and being overwhelmed with a feeling of doom. 

There are people out there in the world whom I love who voted for this man. They believe he was the better choice. Their conscience dictated that they vote for the party even if they may not agree with everything about this man. I can respect their commitment to their values -- even if we have different values.

But from where I sit, I don't see a man who is committed to this country. I see an egomaniac who puts himself and his gain over that of the country and perhaps the world. He hasn't yet demonstrated that he's looking out for our environment and the well-being of those who are called the "working class." He has selected cabinet members who don't have a history of looking out for the interests of minorities and those at an economic and social disadvantage. He appears to be in cahoots with the leader of another country who also seems self-absorbed and very dangerous. Our future president won't share his tax records with us -- which every other president has done. He seems to have multiple conflicts of interest. He has yet to actually have a press conference where we can actually hear him discuss his plans. He TWEETS seemingly his every thought. He TWEETS. That means he only communicates with 140 characters or less. Not much depth of thought in a 140 characters.  

It SEEMS as if leaders of his party, though they don't necessarily think everything he's doing is above-board, won't hold him accountable to high standards. They repeatedly allow him to get away with things that they wouldn't allow from a leader of the other party. 

All of the American people deserve to have a leader who puts country above himself. We deserve a leader who will abide by the laws and expectations that have been upheld by previous country leaders. We deserve a leader we can trust to stand by protocol when dealing with leaders of other countries or when conducting world-wide business. 

I know that the same friends of mine who voted for this man did not vote for the current president... There were other years when my candidate didn't win. But never before -- even when I was very opposed to the elected president  --  have I been as concerned for our country as I am today. 

Somehow, though, I have to continue to hope...to find the good in this scary place...and so I'm gonna create, love my people, smile at strangers, and keep looking for the things that make this world safe and happy and secure. 

I'm gonna pray. I'm gonna pray for my family, my friends, my community, my nation, my world. I'm gonna pray for this man who will be our leader and those closest to him -- even though it's gonna be hard for me -- because I see a lonely, scared, fragile man who is trying to act and feel important...

But he's not more important than the rest of us. We're all in this together.

STRONGER TOGETHER.

GoFightWin, country. GoFightWin!

"Just for Friends"

I have just spent ten days with seven people I really didn't know before.

We came together over a love of good food and quality ingredients and a love for adventure and discovery of new places and things.

Mataio and Jessica introduced us to people who educated us about what makes good quality balsamic and olive oil and wine.

We met new people who shared their passions with us and invited us into a little slice of their lives.

We met people along the way as well... from different parts of the world who have the same interests as we do.

We learned the history of the regions we visited. We interacted with artisans and craftsmen. We shopped in the villages. We practiced and learned Italian.

We were exposed to great music and lovely surroundings.

We laughed. We cried. We relaxed. We ate. And ate. And ate. And ate.

This has been an experience that I shall not forget.

To say that I'm grateful is an understatement -- but it's the only word I know to use.

Feeling full -- of heart and mind and soul and body.

Clouds and Currents Inside

It's been a while since I reviewed the stages of grief... but I'm thinkin' that ANXIETY must be one of 'em...

For the past few weeks, I have had an underlying current of anxiety...about things that might seem reasonable to be anxious about and about things that seem ridiculous.  In my head, I am aware that all anxiety is kinda silly 'cause -- WHY? The way it should be is that I either do something to solve whatever problem is real or imaginary or I just let it go and move on.

But anxiety is alive and well in this girl who is a control freak.

It occurred to me today that I've been kinda hopin' that immediately after the one year mark, I would feel markedly better. That I could be cheerful and not-lonely and more interested in all the fun things about life. Just to be clear, I've tried to continue to live life all of these days...but I would say that there is a "Missing Harvey and Missing Laura" cloud that follows me pretty much everywhere... And occasionally a "Missing Sarah and Hannah being at home" cloud, too.... And, in some ways the missing seems a bit more intense now that I've passed the one year mark.

And, included in that missing is an unhealthy dose of anxiety... and a full & cluttered brain.

These are the parts of grief that my little ol' heart is not loving.

I will continue to be and will forever be thankful for the gifts of Harvey and Laura... I am thankful that they no longer have to battle against the evil that is cancer... 

But I would love it so much if their healthy selves were still here.

This verse popped into my head today. Perhaps it's my new prayer....

Be anxious for nothing but in everything with prayer and supplication let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.                                             -Philippians 4:6, 7    (New American Standard Version)  

Lessons from My Dogs

Little Clemmie has been living with us and being my youngest child since the end of March. And, she has grown up quite a bit since then... She doesn't bite my legs anymore. She understands most things like "leave it" "drop it" "off" "stay" and what I call "play school." 

I have to remind myself all the time that she's still a puppy and that someday, in the not-too-distant future, she will be calmer. But I also realize that some of her behavior is just who she is. 

She's inquisitive, curious, a thinker. She doesn't sit still very often. Even when she's tired, she has a hard time turning her brain off. "Oh! There's a toy!" "Oh! Hannah's home from work!" "There's the cat!" "That dirt needs a hole in it!"

When she's in the car, she sits up straight and looks out the back window -- and the side window -- and the front of the car. There are lots of nose prints on my windows. Occasionally, she'll "talk" to a dog or a person she sees from her spot.  

She gets excited when she meets new people and new dogs. She engages almost immediately when she enters the dog-park. She runs directly for the group of dogs who have already introduced themselves and who have been playing well with each other for a while before she got there. She approaches as if to say "Hey! I'm here! My name's Clemmie. I love to play. Who are you? Betcha can't catch me!" And then, her new friends start wrestling with her and they chase each other and she plays and plays.  

Raney, on the other hand... is a different dog. She was once a puppy, too...but she has ALWAYS enjoyed hangin' out with people more than introducing herself to and engaging with other dogs. She's not unfriendly, but she simply prefers people.  If there's a park full of dogs, she almost doesn't acknowledge the dogs; she just heads for the people to say "Hello. Please pet me. Mmmm! I think I smell a treat in your pocket. I'd love to be your friend."

She played a lot when she was younger and she pulled some shenanigans, too. And, we had to teach her that she couldn't bite us and eat our shoes and stuff... But I don't ever remember her being as "on" all the time as Clemmie. She was a bit cuddlier -- still is.  Clemmie likes to be loved, but it's hard to sit still for all that.

The other day it occurred to me that both of my sweet baby girls have something to teach me about how to approach life. Clemmie is almost always smiling -- at everything and everybody (unless I'm scolding her for doing something that she knows is wrong.)... Raney (who also knows how to smile) is calm... just kinda goes through her regular routine. She loves to walk. She loves to simply BE with her people. She doesn't really need us to do a lot with her, though she's happy if we play. 

I think there's a lesson for me in their personalities: 

- Relax and enjoy what you have in your life.

- Learn new things! SMILE! Embrace adventure!

I have some good dog-babies.

Today's Thoughts

I've been thinkin' about Harv a fair bit lately. Most every day... All the time... But lately, I've been thinkin' about how I'm grieving.  

I think I'm figuring out that I want to grieve slowly and feel it all... And I want to hurry up and stop grieving. 

That's kind of a weird place to be.

For me, I know I "talk" in my blog about my losses, but when I'm in the thick of the emotion, I pretty much don't want to talk. For me, the grief is too sacred to discuss out loud most of the time. I don't want to talk when I'm having a special moment at the two rivers in Lytton. I won't want to talk when I go to see the graves of my parents and my sister. And, I certainly don't want to discuss my loss with the banker who is changing the signatories on our safe deposit box.

Grief is so personal and individual. It's also a day-by-day thing where one day might not look like the day before.

And, the other thing I keep thinkin' about is how having Harv here... in my life...  in this house... walkin' around in the yard... wrestling with Raney... teaching the girls different things... laughin' his laugh... playin' his guitar... bein' in his office... never bein' able to stop learning or trying new things... makin' me feel special

... that seems like a whole lifetime ago... a whole 'nother life... 

...I'm livin' a "new" life now... one where he's still here and he's also not here...

What a strange place to be.

What a gift he was to me.

What a great man.

What a great loss.