Treasures

Almost 20 years ago, I met lots and lots of people who stopped me as I was walking my girls in their double stroller. Usually they'd ask "Are they twins?" One time my father told somebody who stopped to peek in the stroller that "We charge 25¢ to look." Occasionally, someone would say, "I have twins. They're xx years old now." And, they would often want to talk about their twins with matching names or their fraternal twins or identical twins. 

I know I'm biased, but I can see why they wanted to look at my babies... not only were they matchy little babies; they were beautiful (if I do say so myself). 

The ones who always got to me, though, were the ones who would say "Treasure these times. They go so fast."  For the mother in the thick of trying to raise little twin baby girls, the time was not flying by... or it sure didn't seem like it. There were lots of diapers to change, bottles to feed, clothes to wash, picky eaters to figure out / handle / ignore, nap times to manage, baby brains to develop, etc. There was lots and lots of "the everyday" every day.  "The everyday" was more intense when Harv traveled for work... and that was fairly often. It was more intense when they were little bitty babies, but everything seemed MORE when I was doing it by myself.

When Harv got sick, I knew I should be treasuring the moments that we had 'cause we didn't know how many moments we'd get... But the truth is (and I think I've said it before), I didn't want to "force" the treasuring of the moments... I wanted to just live as regular a life as I could -- which would sometimes include grumpiness and not-treasuring.

I think I've said this before, too, but I kinda thought that after over a year with some drastic changes in "the everyday," that I would sort of settle into a routine and things would feel "normal." 

First of all, it's still not normal that Harv's not here... especially when I want to discuss politics, or annoyances, or our children's lives, or my insecurities, or I wanna go for a walk with him or I want HIM to take the dogs for a walk so I don't have to... It's not normal that I am celebrating various birthdays and holidays without him. 

But second of all, I haven't really figured out how to be okay with my children no longer living at home. I am very fortunate to have them close by... I see them fairly often -- which I really am thankful for... But every day they mature and make new decisions and do things on their own and make plans that don't include me... And even when I have wonderful advice to give, they often want to do things their own way... (which is as it should be -- even though I have some excellent suggestions!).

This post is not really about my children; it's about me... I'm trying to learn how to be me...all by myself... What do I want to do? Where do I want to go? How do I make giant decisions alone? How do I learn to enjoy meals with just me?  What can I do that feels like I'm contributing? When am I gonna be ready to contribute and try something brand new? I keep thinking that a year is long enough, but I'm beginning to think it's not... at least not for me... 

But what I've realized recently is that those people who told me to "treasure these moments" were right.  The moments do go pretty quickly. Little baby girls DO grow up and need me less... (which is as it should be)...

So, these days I'm praying for eyes to see and ears to hear all the good around me and to TREASURE all of it...and to be ready for whatever the next thing is...and to figure out how to be the best mama I can be at every stage of our children's lives... for them and for me.

 

True words in this song. ❤️