You Live On

Almost six years... 

Forever and just yesterday.

I feel like I've done pretty well. 

I miss you so much. 

And I have learned how to live without you.

I feel like I've gotten past the intense grieving of the early days... 

...but it occurred to me that when I miss you most lately is when our girls show signs of you with their accomplishments.

They have all chosen paths that have you in the midst... project manager, computer lady with artistic computery gifts and excellent Canadian student with the gift of writing. All dreaming big dreams and goin' for 'em. 

That doesn't sum them up. They are much more.

But you are definitely in them. 

Project Manager

Canadian Student Born Abroad

Artistic Computer Savvy Professional

Girls who love to laugh! ❤️

What kinda kills me is that I can't sit around after dinner talking with you about how proud we are of them all.  I know you know. I know you see them. I just wish we could marvel together. 

So thankful for the life you lived. 

That you chose me. 

That we shared these good girls. 

That you live on in them. 

You are the gift that keeps on giving. 

Love you, Harv.

Trapped

I was a daughter.
I was a wife.
I was (am) a mother.
I was a caregiver.
I am a widow.

I am a person floating somewhere between what was and what is yet to be.

I feel like my life is full and empty at the same time.

Who am I?

If you were here, what would we be doing?

If you were here, would we have chosen this house together?

Would we both be watching the news?

Would you love Clemmie and her crazy self?

Would you climb on the ladder to check the gutters?

Would you be wearing multiple layers 'cause it's cold in this house?

Would you chat with the neighbors and befriend the new babies?

Would you and the neighbor share hedge trimming duties?

Would we sit on this sofa and marvel at how great our children have turned out?

Would you help with house projects for our children?

Would we discuss how grateful we are for the good things and how sad we are for the hard things in our extended family's lives?

Would we travel to see our children and explore their cities?

Would you follow me around the house like you always planned to do when you retired?

Would you go on fun adventures with me? What would those be?

Goodness.

Life sure is sumpthin' itn't it?

Miss you.

Growth

I cried when you were born because I didn't know how to take care of a baby -- much less, two babies.

I cried when you went to preschool because it seemed like such a big step.

I cried when you first rode the bus to school.  All of the possibilities and fears and what-ifs.

I cried when you asserted yourself and wanted to do what you wanted to do.

(And yet, I rejoiced all the days when you'd run to greet me at the playground fence when I drove by in the middle of the day.)

I cried when you first walked through the doors of middle school. Way bigger. Way scarier than elementary school.

(And yet, I rejoiced because you kept hugging me goodbye and kept saying "I love you." as I dropped you off for the day.)

I cried when I couldn't fix things that weren't going like you wanted them to go.

I cried when you went to high school and I got a glimpse of even more independence.

(And yet. You were still warm and welcoming when you'd see me at school or at cross country meets.)

I cried when you went to college -- for a number of reasons -- but one more step of independence... More out of sight. More on your own. More decisions to be made without my input.

I cried when you traveled abroad. I cried when you came home. I cried when you moved to a new city. I cried when you started making plans for study far, far away.

Alllll of the times a mother has to let go never, ever prepare her for the next time she has to do it.

A mother doesn't know how to mother until she's given the gift of children.

And then a mother doesn't know how NOT to mother.

She practices and practices how to loosen her grip, but the lesson of mothering goes way below the surface.

How does a mother learn to let go? How does she release some of the illusion of control? How does she keep her little babies close and let them grow up at the same time? How does she encourage independence and joy and exploration and discovery and love and growth while still having the urge to hold her babies close and never let them leave the nest?

How does she rediscover herself as her self? What is she now that she's no longer a full-time wife and mother? What are her hopes and dreams? What are her wishes for her very own self? Where does she begin the next phase of her life? What can she do that is fulfilling and beneficial (not just for herself) that no longer has a real emphasis on mothering?

Every grief has layers.

And yet -- while there is grief in letting go, there is also hope...

Hope.

It's a very good word.

Happy Sad

So, I've been thinking about downsizing for quite a while...even before Harv died. I've thought for a while that it'd be a good idea to downsize before I had to or even really wanted to... And at least a year ago -- or maybe more than that, I started the search.

My dream was to find a home that had a great view of the bay and was one story and had a small yard. There were quite a few homes with great views, but the combo of small, one-story and small yard didn't always come with that. And I didn't want an increase in the price of my home. Ideally, I'd spend less.  But the housing here in this part of the world is crazy. And, while my home has increased in value over the years, so have many others that are even smaller.

I looked on Redfin. I looked as I drove around town. My realtor searched. We went to a few homes. There were a couple that were kinda tempting but still didn't feel exactly right.  

And then one day, this house showed up on Redfin. My realtor sent me a text about it, too. It's older, but has been nicely renovated and really felt right as soon as I went inside. It doesn't have a view of the bay, but it's in a neighborhood that feels pretty cozy. 

Long story short, it all worked out and the house became mine today.

As I drove to sign the papers this morning, I cried. It just seemed so huge. You'd think they would've been tears because of leaving this house where we've lived and loved and shared lots of things for 18 years. I'm sure it was some of that, but it really just felt so HUGE to be buying my very own place.

Almost wrong and not wrong at the same time to be moving on with my life.

When I arrived at my new house with the dogs this afternoon, I took them for a walk in the nearby park...and I sobbed. I can't really explain it. I know there's lots of emotion in this whole picture, but I can't identify exactly what the tears are for...

But what I think is that it's happiness, excitement, fear, sadness, grief, joy, anticipation, and probably a million more emotions that I can't identify.

So thankful for the life I shared with Harv. So thankful for the life I have. So thankful for all that is to come...  

Forgiveness

This morning I received a message from a friend who wanted to let me know about something I had done that had hurt her. She was doing it for herself so she could clear the air and move on.

I definitely recalled the incident and understood completely how I might have hurt her family's feelings. Pretty long story, but I really didn't mean to... I was just being Carrie and jokingly said something without thinking of where she and her family were in their circumstances and how my words may have come across.

I apologized for hurting them and offered to drive over to her to hug her neck and try to make sure things are right. It wasn't possible this morning, but she assured me that she appreciated my apology and wants to visit some day in the (hopefully) near future. She also encouraged me to let it go and not to dwell on it because that's what she's doing.

Here's the dilemma...

How do I forgive myself? How do I let go when I've hurt someone's feelings? I've actually prayed all day long to be able to let it go... I've tried hard to think about how to give myself some grace and to forgive myself for screwing up...

And I'm having the hardest time.

Why is that?

How do you move on when you've made mistakes and hurt someone? How do you forgive yourself? What words do you tell yourself that help with the letting go?

One of the hardest theological concepts for me to grasp is GRACE.  I just don't GET it...

Share your wisdom.

Thanks... 

💕

(PS -- I don't want to get into the details of who I hurt or what the circumstances are (either in this conversation or privately)... For those of you who often want details from my vague stories, please just let it be vague this time. 😊)

Widow Lessons

Life is full of fast moments.

Life is full of slow moments.

And sometimes fast and slow are all wrapped up in the same package.

Life is full of good things.

Life is full of hard things.

And sometimes they're all wrapped up together.

When I was younger, I could not wait to get married. I was older than I had hoped I'd be when I got married, but Harv was worth the wait... The road I traveled to get to marriage had a few bumps in it...but that road prepared me to be Harv's wife.

I had no clue how to be a wife, but I learned as I went. I know that I definitely made mistakes...but I also know that I did some things right. And I believe Harv and I were a good match.

I also had no clue how to be a mother. I struggled for a while trying to be a good step-mother. I have goofed sometimes, but I also think I did some things right... and I think being a step-mother first gave me a little bit of prep in becoming a biological mother.

Discovering I was pregnant was a thrill. Discovering I was carrying twins was a shock. I read books to prepare for motherhood and being a mother of twins. But reading doesn't fully prepare a person for any task. Hands-on experience is where a person really discovers what a job is all about. I have failed a few times, but sometimes I've done things just like they should be done...and I think God knew what he was doing when he selected Sarah and Hannah for me. 

When family life was "young," I had no idea (or preparation) for all that was to come. I took each new FIRST as it came. Sometimes it was easier than others. I learned as I went for much of it. I dreamed of being good at everything, but soon learned that I just plain wasn't. I learned, over time, how to trust my children to be themselves and to know what they did and didn't want to do or be. I failed sometimes. But not always.

When I got married, I said the vows "for better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health..." But in my mind, it was always gonna be better, richer and healthy...

Until it wasn't.

When Harv got sick, I had to learn how to be an on-site caregiver. I had to figure out how to do that while also being the best wife and mother that I could be....and while encouraging all of our children to do and be the best that they could as well. I wanted all of our lives to be as normal as possible...in a situation that was not actually our normal.  

That period was also a learn-as-you-go moment in time.  Sometimes I failed. Sometimes I did things pretty well. And over time, I believe that time "prepared" me for releasing Harv and giving him the freedom to die...

Since that time, I've tried to learn how to be a widow. And there are more lessons in this textbook than I actually want to learn. Life is easier when you have a partner. Marriage can certainly be hard sometimes, but there is a definite benefit to having a significant other to confide in, to vent to, to cry with, to eat dinner with, to make decisions with, to sit in the same room and just BE together.

Currently, I feel like I'm in the midst of a few giant things - personally, professionally and spiritually... perhaps not actually that big in the scheme of things, but all coming at the same time. How I long for a good conversation with Harv so he can give me his ideas and suggestions...and I can either reject or accept his wisdom.

This is the time when what I really want to do (again) is kick and yell "I WANNA DO WHAT I WANNA DO!" -- which is to NOT have to deal with hard things.

Every single one of my current "issues" boils down to a first world problem... So, it seems silly of me to complain about it. But it's also currently my life...which affects me every day.

I would have definitely written the story of my life differently... but I also might've made some mistakes if I were the author. And the truth is that, in the midst of the hard, there has been plenty of wonderful... There is STILL lots of wonderful.... 

...and there's a piece of wonderful that's missing.

Thankful for all the good. Thankful for the hard. 

Praying for peace and wisdom and hope and joy.