Silent Pondering...

For a few days before Christmas Eve I wrestled with myself about going to the Christmas Eve service at church. It was partly because we always have appetizers for dinner on Christmas Eve (and watch "It's a Wonderful Life") which always makes me feel rushed after the service to get things ready. But it was also because I have a struggle going on inside of me pretty much all of the time about my faith...or my doubts.

I knew I was going to go because it's what our family does. And, I knew I was gonna go 'cause it would seem wrong if everybody went and Mama didn't. But I really didn't want to go. I whined to Harv a little bit but mostly I whined inside my head. I knew it was pointless to whine 'cause I knew I was gonna go, but whining happened anyway.

Let me pause here to say that I was not raised with "worship teams" and electric guitars and drums in church. I didn't ever really have a problem with it, but that wasn't how we did it... When we started going to our current church, we chose the "rockin'" service 'cause we thought our girls would more likely go to Sunday school where they had a friend .... and that happened to be during the  "rockin'" service. Before you know it, I grew to really like the music at that service.

So, on Christmas Eve we arrived at church to hear "Joy to the World" with some good beat in the background... 

I can't explain this to you -- and I don't really understand it myself -- but I am a girl filled with doubts, cynicism, frustrations, and many questions... and yet there are times (you've heard me mention occasions like this before) when I hear music (and it can be all different kindsa music) and I am totally moved beyond explanation. I still have doubts. I still whine. I still fidget and get all cynical...but somewhere deep inside of me is a piece that has some faith... and music often leads me there.

That faith has no clear definition for me, but it makes me know that there is a God.  He's bigger and stronger and deeper than I can comprehend. If my brain starts to go to places like virgin birth or resurrection or "only one way" I get befuddled... but way deep in my soul -- the part of my soul where music touches me -- I know that there's a God. And sometimes that knowledge is too sacred to put to words... Sometimes I just need to silently ponder that He is there. 

Long story short, I left the service feeling a little calmer in my soul and thankful for the richness that is our congregation. I certainly don't understand it all, but God is there...in the people, in the music, in my soul...

Chances are, I will have a little battle within me again, but I hope that I remember where He is for me...and I hope when I need Him to calm me, I remember to look for Him there.

Many blessings to you all this holiday season and in the year to come.