Miss Scaredy Pants

When Harv and I were engaged, we talked about money. He loved to save. I loved to spend. I loved to spend more money than I actually had. Thus, when we were about to get married, I had some debt. Harv, wise man that he was, didn't think it was a good idea to start our marriage with debt. So he paid mine (after I ashamedly and reluctantly admitted how much there was). 

I knew that I never wanted to disappoint him by racking up debt ever again. We had a financial plan. We stuck to it.  And, while I have always been pretty good at spending, we both made sure that we were never in debt (not counting house payments and short-term loans on cars). And we were able to save as well.  

In addition to that, I happily turned over the managing of the finances to Harv when we got married. I loved not looking at checkbooks or investments or savings accounts. "Just tell me how much I can spend and I'll behave." Harv and I had occasional "financial summits" as we called them to discuss where we wanted to give, how much to put away, what financial goals we wanted to have. I never liked those even though I appreciated that HE appreciated my input and that we jointly made household $$ decisions. But, mostly, I ignored the finances (except for my weekly budget) and let him do his thing.

When he got sick, he tried to teach me how to handle the KBoards finances. He composed an instruction booklet with all the steps and sat with me as he taught me how things should go.  It all seemed like "blah blah blah" to me. I did it a time or two. And, then... he seemed to be handling his illness pretty well and so he went back to taking care of it again.  Whew! That was close! He took care of all of the finances for KBoards through the month of August -- which is pretty good 'cause he would've had to handle it into the month of September. Good man...

So! I've done it since October. I know pretty much what to do and I do it. But I reeeeeeeaaaaaaalllllyy hate it. 

It is now time to collect all of the papers and compile them in a neat pile and take them to Mr. Tax Man ('cause I'm not EVEN gonna try to handle the tax stuff THIS year!).  

But here's the thing... every time I have to handle the finances, I have a visceral reaction that literally brings me to tears. (I don't sob and I'm not out of control, but the tears DO come.) It feels like I'm forcing myself to conquer some giant physical obstacle that is terribly frightening. You know what I mean? The kind of thing where you know you MUST jump to save your life, but you don't want to? Or, the feeling like when you're in an airplane and there's turbulence and you hate it, but you can't do anything about it?  

Today I tried to figure out why I get such a physical reaction. And, I'm wondering if it's 'cause I'm scared I'm gonna do something wrong. What if I screw it all up? What if I disappoint Harv? What if I forget something? 

In my head, I know it's irrational. Harv has taken good care of us. I have people around me to help me. And, worst case scenario, I forget something....but most likely, if I forget to pay somebody, they will let me know and I might have to pay a little bit more.

But, here I am today... procrastinating the tax paper compilation 'cause.. YUCK. 

I will conquer it, though. I will do my best to make him proud. And, I know that each time I take a step, it gets easier...and next year will be easier than this year.  

Until then, I will tell myself, "GoFightWin!, Miss Scaredy Pants. GoFightWin!"