I Hope He Knows

September 23, 2015

It might seem crazy -- and in a way I know it's crazy, but I've been worried lately about whether Harv REALLY understood how much I love him. I told him and he told me, but there was just something about the very last moment where I was hoping that we would gaze into each other's eyes and it would be like in the movies... 

It wasn't like that... It wasn't bad...but it wasn't like that.

Even before the very last minute, I told him that I love him and I tried to just BE with him (though, in all honesty, I found it hard to sit still and just BE 'cause often there were no words...and my brain didn't stay (still DOESN'T stay) still very well.)...but did he really, really KNOW?

I think when a spouse becomes a caregiver, the relationship changes -- whether or not we plan it or want it. And, so -- in 1996 when we got married and until I became a caregiver, I think we were pretty even in our relationship. We didn't really have any major issues. But caregiver/patient is different.... So -- there were times we weren't particularly sweet to each other. Not in a big, bad way, but I would fuss 'cause he wasn't following doctors orders or because I didn't like the idea of some of his pain meds or he'd fuss 'cause he felt bad and he loved me the most so I was easiest to get angry with... 

And, I'm not sure that there is a "beautiful" type of cancer, but stage IV colon cancer is not one of the beautiful ones. So, things that we never expected to deal with became just a part of life... I tried to downplay things that were less than pleasant. I tried to pretend not to notice things that made me uncomfortable... But stage IV colon cancer was a definite part of our lives... and try as I might, I still got frustrated and sometimes distant and often times a fussy lady.

So, since we didn't actually get the Hollywood ending as he took his last breath, I have been kind of holding onto this concern that maybe he didn't really, really, really, really, REALLY know how much I love him.

A couple of times recently, I asked my Sarah if she thought he really knew. Last night, she sent me this note with a link to his blog to show me that she knows he did:

If you read this, you'll hear the love he had for you. He loves you SO much and he ALWAYS knew you loved him and looked after him the best anyone ANYONE could have ever done. (Click link to read blog) http://harveychute.blogspot.com/2013/08/i-hear-southern.html And his dedication to Stone and Silt-- "For Carrie, who puts up with my various projects and pursuits, who is everything I could wish for in a caring wife and loving mother of my daughters, and who--most of all-- is my best friend."

He loved you SO much and he did die knowing that you LOVED him. I've heard you mention this concern before, and I wish so badly you would toss it into the wind and make it go away!!!!! He KNEW you loved him. I don't know what else to say, except that you don't need to worry. He knows you love him and he loves you.  ❤

I read the blog post and cried some... well, a lot. A lot more than I have lately anyway..... I'm actually crying a little bit right now, too.

And then today, I was coming home from doing some financial planning and this song came on the radio. I'm kinda hoping it was from Harvey to me.