Open Road

The other day I was trying to explain my jumbled-up feelings about God to a friend of mine. In the midst of that explanation, I realized that it wasn’t even the details of the event that bothered me. It occurred to me that what disturbed me very deeply was that God wasn’t being who I thought He was.

It made me begin to doubt not only God, but all things “God-related.” And yet, while I questioned, there was still a thread that connected me to the God I had believed in forever. That thread has always remained, even in the midst of my cynicism.

And, yesterday, as I continued to process the whole mess that’s been in my brain for all these years, I began to see that the fact that, many years ago God wasn’t being who I thought He was, just confirmed for me the thing I’ve come to love about him – He doesn’t fit in a box. He’s bigger than He used to be. He has bigger plans that include more people than just me.

Today our county woke up to flooded roadways and farmland. Schools are closed. Roads are closed.

For many years, I feel like I’ve had "closed roadways" in my heart. The roads that would’ve connected me more closely to the God I love have been blocked.

Yesterday, the floods began to recede and the roadways to my heart started to open up.

Goals

Before I married, I never made New Year’s Resolutions because I wasn’t confident in my ability to make them happen. Harvey actually likes them so when we got married, I joined in the “fun.”

Some of my goals have made people roar with laughter. One year, my goal was to read five (yes, FIVE) books. When my girls were babies, reading anything was a challenge; finishing a book was a distant dream. I accomplished that goal, though!

One year my goals were house oriented: paint a room, remove some wallpaper, sew some curtains, paint a painting. I’m pretty sure I accomplished those goals, too.

Many years my goals are Harvey oriented: clean the gutters, build some shelves, make a screen door, clean his office. Still working on some of those. :-)

My goals this year are few: make a quilt, paint a painting, revise & submit my picture book, and walk often. Those seem do-able.

Here’s to a year of making things happen!

Comfort in the Questions

Every Sunday morning I have a battle within me: I don't want to go to church, but I feel like I should go to church.

Last week, I gave in and went to church. Today I gave in and stayed home.

For quite some time now, I've struggled with where my faith is. It's frustrating to me because for most of my life, there weren't many questions -- just belief. In some ways, I think that's good and in others, I wonder how I could "blindly" believe things that seem "impossible."

About 15 years ago, I had an experience that caused me to begin to question God. From that point forward -- even after I'd come to the conclusion that it was possible that God had more people in mind than me -- the way I viewed the Christian faith was changed.

I'm confused. I don't feel the unwavering faith that I once did and that makes me insecure.

There are a few things that give me comfort, though. I love that God doesn't fit in a box anymore. I love that God loves all kinds of people -- even the ones I can't imagine loving. I love that God is trying to reassure me that my relationship with Him isn't based on how perfect I can be. I love that He persistently sticks with me -- regardless of my feelings of security or perfection.

And, while I will continue the fight to understand my feelings of who God is, I can rest in knowing that He knows me -- inside and out, backwards and forwards, good days and bad -- and He still loves me.

Can't do it...

A month or so ago, I wondered if I was cut out for this writing thing. I questioned my abilities and began to doubt that I have what it takes to be a children's author. I even stopped working on my personal blog -- though I did start another one for my sister's journey with cancer. To be honest, I thought I had moved out of that "stage."

Today, however, I realize that I actually WANT to write. I NEED to write.

I'm still not sure what form that writing will take. It may end up just being this blog forever and ever.

Be that as it may, I think it's in my blood. I will be writing forever....however it turns out, my words will have to be typed.

Thanks for suffering with me.

There's a hole...

It occurred to me -- perhaps long after other people had come to the same conclusion -- that Christmas was hard for me because I miss my parents.

I had a really good sobbing kind of cry one day shortly before Christmas. Things that were bothering me sounded like little things, but after talking it through, I realized there's a hole in my Christmas season this year -- and I guess a hole in all the years to come.

While I'm aware that I haven't actually spent many recent Christmases with my parents, they've always been just a phone call away. This year, I can't even get that close.

Tomorrow would be Mama's 85th birthday. I think I'll watch the video that I posted of her 80th birthday and maybe that'll make me feel better. Of course, I'll be wearing a white shirt while I watch.

In the meantime, enjoy this painting that my dear friend, Carol, painted for my Christmas present. I love it.

Wishing you all a 2009 filled with peace and many joys!

Winter Fun

Taking advantage of the snow...

It's winter... Christmas is on it's way...

photo: Harvey Chute

Last Sunday it started to snow. The roads were covered and we weren't sure whether we could get to church or not. We could, but on Monday school started two hours late. Tuesday it was a regular day. Wednesday was another late arrival. By Thursday more snow had arrived and school was cancelled for Thursday and then again on Friday. So, winter break was supposed to start after Friday. We got two extra days.

The girls have taken advantage of the snow -- some days playing for HOURS at a time.

I look out the window and see a beautiful scene. We even had deer in the yard -- which makes for a great piece of artwork.

Fortunately, we've been able to stay toasty warm inside. However, we've ALL been inside for most of everyday. And, I find myself going a little bit crazy.

Lately, I hear people getting so excited about the snow and the Christmas season. I don't actually feel excited -- about either one. I don't know if Christmas for "the mommy" is just so busy that it's hard to enjoy it. Or, maybe I'm feeling a little bit sad that my parents aren't around to even call on Christmas day. Maybe I'm a little stir-crazy and there's been very little alone time. But the truth is, I just don't feel very Christmasy.

It's bothering me. I want to be cheerful and pleasant and "in the spirit."

I'll just keep plugging along and maybe it'll hit me if I keep trying.

Merry Christmas season to you all.