I'm not really sure when it started. My recollection is that I used to be able to really feel my feelings. My best guess is that I started to cut myself off after my parents died and Laura got cancer.
That was a lot for one year.
And that was followed by more sickness and death over the next seven years...
Allllll while trying to continue regular family life and help my children move through their regular school years and be a caregiver to my sick husband and stay positive and hopeful in the midst of some pretty shitty stuff.
At some point, I unconsciously had to choose between taking the time to be sad or angry or scared and taking the time to manage my family's regular and not-so-regular routine. I unconsciously made the decision to put feelings aside. That's not to say there weren't times when I let myself get sad; I did. But not many times. And if I did get sad, it had to be fast. I had things to take care of.
One of those things was to keep a blog (one for Harvey and one for Laura) so that friends and family could stay updated about all things cancer in the lives of those I loved (still do!). Even in the keeping of the blog, it was business. And I made an effort to end most posts on a positive note. Couldn't just plain be sad.
Even during the very last days of Harvey's life, I spent precious time writing blog posts or Facebook posts and now that I think about it, those were also ways for me not to feel. If I wrote it down in a reporting kind of way, then it was "business."
Precious time. Precious time when I could have just BEEN with my family.
I sometimes flash back to those moments with a twang of guilt...while also trying to forgive myself for mistakes. I had never had a REAL front row seat to the prolonged process of watching someone die. I was learning how. And if I had it to do over again (and I really don't want to), I would do it differently in many ways.
I'm currently seeing a counselor who is helping me learn not to resist FEELING things. We're just in the early stages and it's going to be a process, I'm sure, but I'm becoming aware of the many situations where I've tried and am trying not to feel.
The other day we were discussing my aging dog and how I wanted to skip all the hard stuff of her being sick. Somehow we got around to talking about me resisting her death (She's not currently dying but she's an old lady.). I argued that I wasn't. But then the counselor said "You're not resisting losing her; you're resisting FEELING the loss." And that caused me to FEEL. A lot. She got me!
Tears are streaming down my face as I write this. I can't even tell you all the reasons why, but I am definitely feeling something tonight.
How does a person balance FEELING and not being a drag to everybody around her? How can we be honest when people ask how we are and not overwhelm them with all that swirls in our deeply FEELING hearts?
I've got some work to do.
