You know... I don't actually feel okay. 

I feel pretty good most days, but I don't feel whole... or healed... or together... or at peace.

I keep thinking that I need to make plans for the future. That I need to begin DOING something with this life of mine --- other than take care of dogs and college-children.  I feel somewhat guilty 'cause I don't even have the motivation to plan and prepare my own meals for my girls. I can't even cut my own grass these days. I think I need to be active in society and make some little corner of my world a better place.

I just don't have it in me right now, though. And, I think that's okay... I KNOW that I have suffered a fair number of losses (six) over the past eight years and that a person doesn't just get over those. They compound. It takes years to heal from loss...  And yet, I struggle 'cause I'm not doing anything. And, I'm trying to give myself some grace...

I was reminded tonight, though,  that Harv took good care of his family. And, while there is a definite hole in our lives, he provided for us in a way that gives me the luxury of healing for pretty much however long I need to take. Even though I wish I didn't have to heal at all, I am thankful that I can. 

Another sign of his thoughtfulness and love for his family.

Sure do wish he was here.

For the past week or so, I've felt unsettled and "on edge"... Haven't been able to really understand exactly why, but I can't seem to relax. 

Last Thursday, I was in the garage workshop area gathering camping supplies and making a pile for what turned out to be a one day trip. (RAIN!) But, as I was gathering, I realized that it was Harv... It was Harv not being here, not packing for the trip, not making lists and organizing the camping equipment stuff... The fact that he wasn't going on this trip with us... THAT'S what was buggin' me.... Tears welled up in my eyes back there in the shop and I kinda felt a little bit of release and relief -- at least in identifying what was buggin' me.

But, I'm still unsettled and "on edge." Not totally sure why, but maybe identifying it helped but didn't actually "cure" the uneasiness. Maybe it's 'cause our sweet kitty, Andy, wandered from home and still hasn't come back yet. Maybe it's 'cause I miss Laura, too, and I don't feel like I really have had time to grieve that loss because Harv died only five months later. 

Maybe it's just 'cause I want to heal from all the loss and hurry up and get back to normal... (who knows what THAT is?!). I think I just want to stop feeling sad and lonely and grief. I just want to be better...all the way around...

I know that's not how one gets through grief. You just have to walk that whole path -- however long it takes...

But maybe that's what's buggin' me.

I don't know. 

I DO know that Harv should be here. So should Laura. 

I DO know that I was lucky to have both of those sweet people for as long as I did.

I DO know that I still have a good life...

Thankful for that.