Sometimes

Here's the thing... 

I am surrounded by love. Love from family and love from friends... Love expressed a million different ways. And I am very, very thankful. I look forward to times with friends. I love getting real mail...and email...and FB messages and posts.  

And, I look forward to time all alone. I love those evenings when nothing's on the calendar or the days when I have no errands to run and it's just me and Raney at home. I love that.

But sometimes....

Sometimes I want to do nothing with nobody and still have Harv in the house.

I'd love to fix dinner and eat it in front of the tv while we each do our separate thing. I'd love to tell him goodnight ('cause I get sleepy earlier than him) and then go on up to bed knowing that he's downstairs watching the commentary for a movie we watched. Or, stayin' up to watch "Jaws" or "Rocky" 'cause nobody else wanted to watch it with him.

And, I'd kind of like to be able to fuss at him 'cause he's too wiggly when he gets in the bed after I've almost fallen asleep.

I don't mind being alone... but I would prefer to be alone with him.

For those of you who are not on FB or Instagram, here's what I did yesterday.  Teeny weensy way to remember Harv...

Those are Harv's intials... that he wrote and tattoo artist transferred to my ankle.
My friend, Laurie, held my hand. :-)

In 2006, Harv and I celebrated our 10th anniversary in Maui. It was lovely. We stayed at a resort hotel that was right on the beach. We ate good food. We explored. We sat by the pool that looked at the ocean. Harv snorkled. I tagged along on the snorkeling boat and gave it a shot.  We saw a mama and baby whale who might've been the last to leave Maui waters before heading up to Alaska. It was lovely.

When Harv was diagnosed in 2011, we arranged a trip for early 2012 to the same place we stayed before. What's not healing about staring at the ocean? We watched for whales (and saw more this time)... we relaxed by the pool again. We ate good food. We soaked in the Hawaiian air.

We came back in 2013 and again in 2015...  And, when we were here last year, we booked the trip for this week. (You have to make plans. You just can't stop making plans.)

I can't really explain it, but I kinda think he's here with me.  He's there in each sunset. He's out there with the whales. He's with me when I watch the kayakers (He's probably one of 'em).  He's in the sound of the ocean. And, if you keep up with my Facebook posts, you know that he's somehow connected to the people who are staying next door to us -- Canadians (one of whom has colon cancer), who are familiar with Lytton, BC and the people there who love Harv... 

But this time... this time when he's here in Maui with me... This time, he's not sick.

For that, I am grateful.

Swim with those whales, my good husband.
Swim and swim and swim and swim.
I love you.

Business

Today I made a phone call (one of many that I've already made) to request a name change on an account. It wasn't a big deal. I've done it many times. And, what they required of me was very simple and I had everything I needed to do it... But, it turned on the emotional faucets. 

It's so weird to me 'cause I have gone through all of Christmas with very few tears shed and very little sadness... but give me some financial or legal things to handle and I'm a basket case.

I think it's 'cause I need Harvey here to help me solve these things. I need a partner to bounce ideas off and think things through with.

Grief is so weird.