Tuesday, October 4, 2016

Clouds and Currents Inside

It's been a while since I reviewed the stages of grief... but I'm thinkin' that ANXIETY must be one of 'em...

For the past few weeks, I have had an underlying current of anxiety...about things that might seem reasonable to be anxious about and about things that seem ridiculous.  In my head, I am aware that all anxiety is kinda silly 'cause -- WHY? The way it should be is that I either do something to solve whatever problem is real or imaginary or I just let it go and move on.

But anxiety is alive and well in this girl who is a control freak.

It occurred to me today that I've been kinda hopin' that immediately after the one year mark, I would feel markedly better. That I could be cheerful and not-lonely and more interested in all the fun things about life. Just to be clear, I've tried to continue to live life all of these days...but I would say that there is a "Missing Harvey and Missing Laura" cloud that follows me pretty much everywhere... And occasionally a "Missing Sarah and Hannah being at home" cloud, too.... And, in some ways the missing seems a bit more intense now that I've passed the one year mark.

And, included in that missing is an unhealthy dose of anxiety... and a full & cluttered brain.

These are the parts of grief that my little ol' heart is not loving.

I will continue to be and will forever be thankful for the gifts of Harvey and Laura... I am thankful that they no longer have to battle against the evil that is cancer... 

But I would love it so much if their healthy selves were still here.

This verse popped into my head today. Perhaps it's my new prayer....
Be anxious for nothing but in everything with prayer and supplication let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.                                             -Philippians 4:6, 7    (New American Standard Version)  

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