You know... I don't actually feel okay.
I feel pretty good most days, but I don't feel whole... or healed... or together... or at peace.
I keep thinking that I need to make plans for the future. That I need to begin DOING something with this life of mine --- other than take care of dogs and college-children. I feel somewhat guilty 'cause I don't even have the motivation to plan and prepare my own meals for my girls. I can't even cut my own grass these days. I think I need to be active in society and make some little corner of my world a better place.
I just don't have it in me right now, though. And, I think that's okay... I KNOW that I have suffered a fair number of losses (six) over the past eight years and that a person doesn't just get over those. They compound. It takes years to heal from loss... And yet, I struggle 'cause I'm not doing anything. And, I'm trying to give myself some grace...
I was reminded tonight, though, that Harv took good care of his family. And, while there is a definite hole in our lives, he provided for us in a way that gives me the luxury of healing for pretty much however long I need to take. Even though I wish I didn't have to heal at all, I am thankful that I can.
Another sign of his thoughtfulness and love for his family.
Sure do wish he was here.