Some days

Sometimes I just can't get over what work it is to miss people and to try to figure out one's place in the world when so many loved ones are gone... 

Some days I pretty much breeze through the day...just doing regular things and feeling pretty good.

Some days are full of good friends and good family and moments with those good people.

Some days I think about how this life turned out this way and how, if I had been directing the play, I would've made the ending to a few parts of this story quite a bit different. 

Some days I feel very thankful for so many blessings that have come along the way.

And some days -- or even some parts of some days -- are just plain sad.

Sometimes I wish there wasn't so much silence in my mornings and evenings. 

And, sometimes I think about people who have traveled this road before me and I think about how I had no clue what they might've been feeling after their loss(es). I technically still don't really know, but I think I have an inkling now.

I wonder, sometimes, what my future looks like? Do I have 30 more years here? How do I do 30 more years without those I'm missing? Will I feel less strongly in a few years than I do now?  When do I stop feeling incapable of completing projects? When do I jump into creative things? When can I concentrate enough to finish a whole book without distractions in my brain? When do I get to the point where I am available to friends who are going through hard times? When do I stop thinking about me?

Sometimes I want to fight and yell and scream and change the story back to the way I imagined it years ago... And then I snap out of that fantasy and have to accept what is...against my will.

I don't like missing people I love. 

I just don't.