Saturday, May 14, 2016

I've been struggling for quite some time to try and describe what's happening inside of me. I've started THREE posts and deleted them all... It's hard to explain what's happening, but here is my attempt.

A widow's perspective so far:

I don't like the word "widow."

I don't like eating my dinners in front of the tv every night... Though I do enjoy some mindless-no-puppy-supervision-activity.

I miss having my family here even though you heard me complain for YEARS how much I love alone time. I DO love alone time...but I think I've had enough for now... until I'm ready for more.

I miss having a best friend who lives here who can listen to me wail and cry and yell and complain... and laugh and dance and be silly and eat fun food and watch tv with me...

I miss being able to discuss financial decisions (which I feel overly inadequate to handle) and house decisions and family plans with that best friend.

It is almost inconceivable that I will never again in this lifetime ever see my husband again.

And, I am SO thankful that he is no longer sick. SO thankful that he no longer has to endure pain or chemo or anything crappy at all.

I want him to meet Clementine.

I want him to rejoice at all the things his daughters are doing.

I want him to go camping with us on Father's Day this year.

I want to hear him complain about a cold or a headache that he doesn't feel like doing anything about...

I want to hear that STUPID guitar playing RIGHT IN MY EAR when I'm trying to concentrate on something else.

I want him to sit with me in the kitchen while i fix dinner.

I want him to wrestle with Raney in the family room while I'm trying to watch stupid tv.

I want to have his legs twitch in the bed while I'm trying to go to sleep..

And, I want to wake up with him next to me in the morning...

I KNOW I will get through this... I KNOW that it's "making me stronger"

But I don't actually want to be strong.

I want Harvey here...

1 comment:

Nat. said...

Thank you so much for the update. I can tell that it takes a lot to write one, and I appreciate every word. I also want to cry and rail at the unfairness of it all, because a love affair like yours should never have been cut short.

Mostly I want you to know that there are strangers out in the world who think of you and check back often to see if you've updated, and when you haven't we go right on thinking about you and hoping that you can somehow feel the love being sent.