Monday, December 14, 2015

My December Grief

The other day I was just gettin' ready for the day and all of a sudden it occurred to me that I don't have a partner to grow old with... If I get sick, I don't have a help-mate to help me. There's no one here all the time that can run to the store for ginger ale if I need it or rub my head if I feel sick.

Another day I was thinkin' about starting to declutter the house in January and I started thinking of all of Harv's things... Some things I most likely don't want to keep... Seems kind of silly to keep 'em and hard to give 'em away. Shortly after he died I was gonna start cleaning out his things, but it was too hard.

And, here's a weird one... I was looking at my facebook page and "Married to Harvey Chute" jumped out at me. I'm not really married to him and I'm not really NOT married to him. Can't erase that one yet.

Yesterday one of my children got very emotional when I asked her to come to dinner... Turns out it was her father she was missing and it came out at an odd time. Then I hurt for her...and I hurt for me 'cause I can't fix it. It's hard for a mama not to be able to fix hurt children.

What's strange is that I've been "handling life" for such a long time that the realities of losing Harv are just now slowly beginning to creep in... On one hand, all of my realizations seem so selfish 'cause it's all about what I've lost -- not what he's gained.  And yet, I guess that's what grief is -- sadness about all of the losses that come when loved ones die...

Grief is hard. Always new with each loss. A helpless feeling.  But, I try to keep reminding myself that it hurts 'cause the love is deep... Those I've lost and that I mourn are deeply loved and treasured. 

(I don't really want to grieve anymore, though.)


SL said...

First, I want to tell you that I love you.
I've had the uncanny and unsettling (but also quite sweet) experience of "seeing" Harvey at Fred Meyer the last two weeks in a row and feeling so thrilled to see him before my brain realized it was someone else and I realized he was gone all over again. We don't see each other often, but please know that I think of you, pray for you, and miss that very special man often.
You are loved.

Daniel Hotei said...

That must be super rough losing a spouse, especially as you apparently had such a very loving relationship. I'm sorry I never got a chance to meet your husband, Grief is hard. You're really good at writing about it and I guess that must be therapeutic in some sense. Cancer, I hate it too. I 'm so sorry for your loss. It's good to see that you are surrounded by such a supportive community. I feel close to you even though we haven't actually seen each other in years. Please hang in there, Will be thinking of you. Love