Tuesday, December 29, 2015

It occurred to me today that my best friend is not here.... Of course, I've known this, but it occurred to me in a new way. 

Harv and I had reached a point in our relationship (almost 20 years of marriage) where we were just comfortable with each other. It was nice to have someone at home that you didn't have to be "ON" for. We could just BE. That's one of the great things about a long relationship... Feeling at home with each other.

Yes. We annoyed each other sometimes. But, we loved each other... We had a relationship from the get-go that was easy. We felt comfortable with each other. We didn't have to be on guard or explain ourselves very often. 

That was one of the great things about being married...and being married to Harvey.

He sure was a good one.

I love that he was my best friend in the bestest kind of way... What a gift.

Wednesday, December 23, 2015

I find that I'm fighting the sad... It's lurking under the surface and I can feel myself trying to avoid it.

I don't want to be in denial...and I also don't want Christmas to be a sad time. Harvey loved Christmas. It bothered him the first time I experienced a sad Christmas after my parents died. So, I kinda think he'd want us to celebrate and be happy...

But the truth is, he oughta be here. So should Laura. 

So, sad is here anyway...in spite of my efforts to avoid it.

But I'm gonna do my best to savor the happy moments of Christmas...and to try to make it as special as I would if Harv were here... Well, I don't have nuts to crack and hard Christmas candies but we'll try to do the regular Christmas things.

Much love to you all.

Wednesday, December 16, 2015


Laura was my oldest sister. There were six years between us and I think we clicked. When she was in high school, I was her "secretary" and would call her friends to see if they'd want to get together. When I was in college, I visited her most weekends when I didn't go home and then student taught across the street from where they lived so I lived with her and her little family. We had some fun times. I was able to spend a lot of time with my nephew when he was just a little bitty boy... (Now he's all married and grown up.)  

She and I did a couple of bike rides to raise money for the American Lung Association when I was teaching in Atlanta.  I traveled with her some when she'd go visit her daughters in San Francisco.

She was easy to be around. Funny. Fun. No pretense. What you saw was what you got with her.  She was creative. She loved her family deeply. She was easy to talk to. And I talked to her a lot -- especially after Mama died and while Laura was fighting her various types of cancer.

I last saw her one week before she died in April. We had no clue she was so close to the end, so I am especially grateful that she came to stay with us at the beach for our spring break.

I've told some people that when I want to talk to Harv now and realize I can't, the next person on my list is Laura. 

So... there are some adjustments. 

I am surrounded by wonderful family and friends...and I love them so much... But they're not Laura and they're not Harv. 

I kinda like that you can't fill holes of people that you love. They've got their own spot... especially for them...in our hearts. No one else should even try to fill that spot. It can't be done.

Monday, December 14, 2015

My December Grief

The other day I was just gettin' ready for the day and all of a sudden it occurred to me that I don't have a partner to grow old with... If I get sick, I don't have a help-mate to help me. There's no one here all the time that can run to the store for ginger ale if I need it or rub my head if I feel sick.

Another day I was thinkin' about starting to declutter the house in January and I started thinking of all of Harv's things... Some things I most likely don't want to keep... Seems kind of silly to keep 'em and hard to give 'em away. Shortly after he died I was gonna start cleaning out his things, but it was too hard.

And, here's a weird one... I was looking at my facebook page and "Married to Harvey Chute" jumped out at me. I'm not really married to him and I'm not really NOT married to him. Can't erase that one yet.

Yesterday one of my children got very emotional when I asked her to come to dinner... Turns out it was her father she was missing and it came out at an odd time. Then I hurt for her...and I hurt for me 'cause I can't fix it. It's hard for a mama not to be able to fix hurt children.

What's strange is that I've been "handling life" for such a long time that the realities of losing Harv are just now slowly beginning to creep in... On one hand, all of my realizations seem so selfish 'cause it's all about what I've lost -- not what he's gained.  And yet, I guess that's what grief is -- sadness about all of the losses that come when loved ones die...

Grief is hard. Always new with each loss. A helpless feeling.  But, I try to keep reminding myself that it hurts 'cause the love is deep... Those I've lost and that I mourn are deeply loved and treasured. 

(I don't really want to grieve anymore, though.)