Thursday, June 13, 2013

Cancer sucks

There have been many days during the past year and a half that have been very good... Harv's responded well to treatment. His numbers that should've gone down, did go down. He had two successful surgeries... He's set goals to get better sooner, by walking a lot and getting physically stronger...and ACCOMPLISHED those goals.  He's been able to concentrate on healing without the added stress of traveling for work or the challenging demands that his work required. We've had some quality time as a family and have been able to BE together (not that I don't value alone time. ;-)  )... And, he has felt relatively good for a man who was diagnosed with stage 4 colon cancer.

But there are days that I think really suck. There are parts of this disease that I really resent. There are little tiny details that I don't share because they are not details people want me to share or that people want to read -- but I will say that there have been "interruptions" in the way we live that I find frustrating... And, even after a year and half of trying to adjust, I still want to throw myself on the floor and kick and scream and thrash about while I yell at God to do what I want him to do. 

My life was pretty neat and tidy before. It was fairly predictable. It had a nice balance of time with others and time by myself. I could be selfish while nobody really noticed. There was a "leisure" about taking care of my family. And, I'm pretty sure I was way more relaxed.

Things are not BAD right now, but I feel my neck gettin' stressed. Harv's experiencing some stomach upset lately and we're trying to straighten that out. We're not sure what's causing it, but Harv believes it's the Xeloda. If it IS the Xeloda, we're not sure why it's buggin' him NOW when it didn't really bother him in the past.  I think sometimes not knowing why something is happening is more stressful than knowing -- even if knowing is unpleasant. It always seems like when you KNOW what's happening, there might be a solution. When you DON'T know, you can't really DO anything. 

And, then there's the caregiver/patient relationship... Harv doesn't want to be the patient..and I don't really LOVE being the caregiver. Part of my role involves asking a million questions repeatedly to get to the bottom of things so I can find a solution. This, for some reason, causes some irritability with him. (Go figure!) And, that can cause a little tiny strain in our relationship. 

So! Today Harv is taking meds to help with stomach issues and he gets to start the BRAT diet. Please pray that the meds and the diet work so that he can heal.  And, he's supposed to be loading up with fluids, too so he doesn't get dehydrated.

Whistler might have to be on "hold" if he's not feeling better by tomorrow morning. The thought of doing an emergency drive back home is not very appealing. But maybe things WILL get better and we can go have a fun weekend in the mountains with our French daughter, Julie. (Praying that will be so.)

Thank you for bearing with me...and allowing me to vent.

I am thankful that I also have a counselor who helps me process...on my way there shortly. :-)

Many blessings to you all today.

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