There are many stages to grief...and they come at different times for different people.
Since Harv's diagnosis, I have experienced shock and sadness and frustration. I have been worried and confused. Recently, though, the overriding feeling I've had (other than extreme need for space) has been peace. I'm not sure WHY, but lately, perhaps because of the mild side-effects, I have not been anxious. I feel like, regardless of how this story ends, it's gonna be okay. And, I have not felt even the slightest bit angry about this stupid disease.
This morning, anger rose up in me in a very real and powerful way.
I am angry that there is cancer.
I am angry that Harvey has cancer.
I am angry that I lost a cousin today to her SECOND battle with cancer.
I am angry that my sister has had two different battles with two different types of cancer.
I am angry that I have other relatives and know other people who have cancer or who lost their fight with cancer.
I am angry that I no longer have -- nor will I have again -- my cozy little life that was full of order and predictability.
I am angry that my children have to be concerned about their father.
I am angry that we're one of THOSE families that is a cause for concern in the community.
I am angry that we have a need to go to family counseling to make sure that we all handle this well.
I am angry that there's always a schedule of medicine and doctor visits.
It pisses me off (please excuse me) that insurance -- which we have paid for for years and have not used -- gives us even the slightest bit of trouble when it comes to Harvey's care.
It makes me angry that I'm angry, too!
And, I feel guilt...for all of the anger that I feel..and for the struggles I have within myself about daily things.
And, yet... I know that, in the midst of all of the things that piss me off, there are amazing blessings to be found. DAILY.