Sunday, January 29, 2012

There are many stages to grief...and they come at different times for different people. 

Since Harv's diagnosis, I have experienced shock and sadness and frustration. I have been worried and confused. Recently, though, the overriding feeling I've had (other than extreme need for space) has been peace. I'm not sure WHY, but lately, perhaps because of the mild side-effects, I have not been anxious. I feel like, regardless of how this story ends, it's gonna be okay. And, I have not felt even the slightest bit angry about this stupid disease.

Until today.

This morning, anger rose up in me in a very real and powerful way.

I am angry that there is cancer.
I am angry that Harvey has cancer.
I am angry that I lost a cousin today to her SECOND battle with cancer.
I am angry that my sister has had two different battles with two different types of cancer. 
I am angry that I have other relatives and know other people who have cancer or who lost their fight with cancer.
I am angry that I no longer have -- nor will I have again -- my cozy little life that was full of order and predictability.
I am angry that my children have to be concerned about their father.
I am angry that we're one of THOSE families that is a cause for concern in the community.
I am angry that we have a need to go to family counseling to make sure that we all handle this well.
I am angry that there's always a schedule of medicine and doctor visits.
It pisses me off (please excuse me) that insurance -- which we have paid for for years and have not used -- gives us even the slightest bit of trouble when it comes to Harvey's care.
It makes me angry that I'm angry, too!

And, I feel guilt...for all of the anger that I feel..and for the struggles I have within myself about daily things.

And, yet... I know that, in the midst of all of the things that piss me off, there are amazing blessings to be found. DAILY.

And, there is hope.


Tobi said...

I'm angry that you have to go through this! I'm sending good vibes and lots of love to you, Harv, Celeste+girls all the way from Wisconsin. <3 <3

shelley said...

yes, and yet there is HOPE....perfect ending to a very heartfelt, honest update:) love you!

Trisha said...

I am so angry too that this is all happening and angry that there is such thing as cancer. I am glad you are honest and so real. Thinking of you and know you are strong. xoxo

amymck said...

sweet carrie..........i have had you on my heart and on my mind since this whole stupid journey began. and to me, that's exactly how i feel about cancer - it's just stupid. please know i think of you and pray for you every day. that i pray that god will shower you with an abundance of grace that will fill you with peace, love and comfort that can only come from him. the very word makes me filled with a plethora of emotions and can bring on a flood of anger, tears, frustration, worry, concern.......and yes, even hope. i love you my friend.

Sandra said...
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Jonnie DeRosier said...

I'm so sorry you are all having to go through this. I can imagine how angry and frustrated you must be. I am angry too. Harvey doesn't deserve this. No one does. I'm sorry you lost your cousin today. I think about you guys all the time, even though I've never even met you. Please know that you are not alone in your struggles.