Thursday, January 5, 2012

Some Days are just like that...

Yesterday was a full day. 

Harv and I met earlier in the day with an estate planner so we can make sure our lives are in order...wills, planning for the girls, etc. The man we met with was really great. I feel good about trusting him with those details. But, I didn't actually have fun at that meeting. So, I suppose I left there just a little bit heavy hearted. Not crazy, but it forced me to look at something I hope is not necessary to utilize for quite some time.

And, then, we had our meeting with the Bellingham doctor. I like him. He's just a "little boy," ;-) but I like him. He seems like a gentle and kind person and he has a golden retriever -- So, he's got to be a pretty good human if he has a golden! 

But, there were things that didn't sit right with me... Nothing I could put my finger on specifically, but something just the same. Please don't misunderstand. From what I can tell, he knows what he's doing. And, I'm sure he's helped and will continue to help many other patients --- but he did not fill me with the same kind of hope that I received from meeting with Dr. Lin.  And, that, too, caused my heart to get a little heavier. (But, as a friend reminded me -- that just confirms that we have chosen the right doctor for US.)

I realize that there are going to be days when my heart is heavier than I want it to be. I may even share my thoughts sometimes on those days. But, I want you to know that my hope has not disappeared on those days. It's there. It's just temporarily covered by a cloud.

Part of the "cloud" is simply the fear of the unknown. We know NOTHING. We SORT of know what to expect from chemo, but we won't REALLY know until we get there. Knowing (even if it's unpleasant) is easier, I think, than not knowing.

So... the plan continues to be to head down to Seattle on Tuesday and start beatin' up on that stupid, @#%&!@#%&!#  cancer. 

Thanks for your many ways of supporting us.


shelley said...

gofightwin, even on cloudy days:)

Andrea said...

Carrie, thanks for sharing... it helps to "support the afflicted, honor all men" when we know what is going on and the heaviness of your heart. We are there with you in spirit. The Unknown is always the most difficult as I am sure your sister can attest to, mine certainly can. Hang in there and know that our prayers are with you.
Thoughtfully, Andrea

Jennie Clayton said...

I agree with the comment about knowing you've made the right decision with the doctor with the good feeling associated. This is a major decision and bedside manner, comfort is crucial. You have a great instinct, Carrie. Trust it. I'm so thankful that you are sharing all of this so openly. I miss and love you lots and lots.

Jonnie DeRosier said...

Hang in there Harvey. Thinking about you and your family every day. Glad you like Dr. Lin so much and that he's a positive, hopeful doctor. That's great!

Spook said...

I agree with Jennie: it must be comforting to have such a clear message about which doctor to choose to walk with you on this path. Loving the picture you chose to go along with this post. Loving y'all, too!

Mary Hardin said...

Praying. Hoping. Praying more. Holding onto God's hope and sending love to y'all

Joe said...

Both my wife, Michele, and I have survived bouts with cancer. In reflection, the most difficult part was the waiting for appointments, results, and the answers to many questions. The minutes seemed like hours and the days interminable. In spite of the angst of the waiting, the results have been positive!

The down days that inevitably occur are difficult. In those times, it's difficult to keep a positive attitude. However, we both believe that a positive attitude is the MOST IMPORTANT treatment. We are testimony that good results can be achieved. Keep positive and look forward to a satisfying future!

Joe & Michele

Cheryl said...

I pray the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds through the "cloudy" days and every day. gofightwin Harvey! ~Cheryl NG ATL