Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Sometimes the need to write knocks on the door of my soul and says “Get me out on the page. Spill whatever this feeling is…” I’ve been feeling this way for a while, but the words haven’t formed. They’re still just swirling around in my head waiting to turn into something real.

There are lots of things to think about: winter turning into spring, birds singing, wonderful walks in the park, my sweet dog, the ache in my soul for my parents, the ache in my soul for my family to feel good and for the grieving (about whatever it happens to be) to stop, the ache in my soul to feel fully and completely connected to God.

There was a time when (and I just keep repeating myself) God fit in a box. He liked this and not that. He loved this person, but didn’t approve of that person. There was a time when “Christian” was clear and the details of the faith seemed real and believable.

Somewhere along the line, things got blurry. And yet, I cannot let go of my core belief that God is God. And, I can’t reconcile the way I feel with the way I think it should be. Thus, a feeling of “unsettledness.”

I ache. My soul aches. My heart aches. I hate to see the world in pain. I know there’s much good around me. I know that the flowers still bloom and the birds still sing. But I’m distracted by the pain I read about and know.

I’m disturbed that I can’t make a difference for friends whose marriage is over. I can’t help the lady with cancer. I can’t make the war in Iraq stop. I can’t make everybody just get along.

I want the world to be happy. I want sickness to stop.

The tears are flowing now, but not the way they need to ….