Sunday, January 4, 2009

Comfort in the Questions

Every Sunday morning I have a battle within me: I don't want to go to church, but I feel like I should go to church.

Last week, I gave in and went to church. Today I gave in and stayed home.

For quite some time now, I've struggled with where my faith is. It's frustrating to me because for most of my life, there weren't many questions -- just belief. In some ways, I think that's good and in others, I wonder how I could "blindly" believe things that seem "impossible."

About 15 years ago, I had an experience that caused me to begin to question God. From that point forward -- even after I'd come to the conclusion that it was possible that God had more people in mind than me -- the way I viewed the Christian faith was changed.

I'm confused. I don't feel the unwavering faith that I once did and that makes me insecure.

There are a few things that give me comfort, though. I love that God doesn't fit in a box anymore. I love that God loves all kinds of people -- even the ones I can't imagine loving. I love that God is trying to reassure me that my relationship with Him isn't based on how perfect I can be. I love that He persistently sticks with me -- regardless of my feelings of security or perfection.

And, while I will continue the fight to understand my feelings of who God is, I can rest in knowing that He knows me -- inside and out, backwards and forwards, good days and bad -- and He still loves me.


Jay and Laura said...

I think we can be secure in the fact that our faith does waver and we question. I don't think Jesus wants us to follow blindly without thought...

Carrie said...

I probably shouldn't have used the word "blindly." What I meant was the difference between my faith as a child -- whose world is small and contained an whose challenges are few-- as compared to my faith as an adult where the world is bigger and problems more varied... I've had trouble putting the thoughts that are going through my head and heart into words, but as a child there were fewer questions about my faith.